Men can be romantic at outside?

by H.M.Uyghur

28/03/2018 Hyvinkää, Finland

Uyghur dancer
Uyghur dancer, Urumqi

Being the only child in a family means loneliness, I am the only child of my mother, but I have a half brother on my father side. The reason I become only child is not only because of China’s ” one child policy”, it is also because of my parents were divorced when I was about 6 years old, at that time I really did not understand what it mean to me. I visit them separately and it makes me miss to see them together. But it wasn’t possible in Uyghur culture, it is not “proper” for exes get along with each other. Divorce basically mean they can not have any relationship, even not friendship. Less than a year after their divorce, my mother went to study in Beijing and my father married to another woman at exactly the same day that my mother fly away.

During two year of my mother’s study I had seen her only few times. I remember I miss her so much, sometimes I cry, but I did not want my grandmother sees me crying, if she sees she will cry with me. Uyghurs say children of divorce “tirik yetim” which means “orphans of alive”. I haven’t stayed with my parents until I start middle school. At that time my mother and father went back together again after my father and step mother divorced. That makes my step brother an “orphan of living”, few years later his mother passed away from disease. I don’t know why he did not come to stay with us, if he did I believe I will try my best to become good brother and friend of him. Now he is stranger to me, I maybe not able to

uyghur girls 1
Uyghur girls from Kashga

recognize him even if I run into him on the street. I don’t want to blame my father, but it is true that his bad decision left scarves in our childhood. Luckily I have grandparent to take care of me, but I do not know anything about my brother. I share same blood with him,  maybe we look similar, but we are total strangers. I don’t know what is his favorite sport, I don’t know his first crush, I don’t know anything about him. Somehow I still feel he is close to me, maybe it is because he suppose to be important part of my life. We suppose to play basketball together, we suppose to share secrets to each other. Unfortunately only thing we have in common is our blood from our father and “orphan of alive” title. Maybe he cried for his mother in private like I did when I miss my mother, maybe that is the most common thing we share…

I married to my wife about eight years ago, she is a beautiful and smart female. I know she is not super model or not super hot. But she is lovely to me, my emotion toward her is as always. Sometimes I feel lack of passion in my life, sometimes I see other ladies with attractive physical appearance feel impulse, it is normal physical reaction and it goes away as quickly as it comes. Maybe my father decide to go after passion when he decide to divorce my mom, after the passion goes away he was able to realize he still loves her and went back to her. My mother had never get married to another male after her divorce, she kept herself single until my father went back to her.

Uyghur wedding

In Uyghur society widely believe “Men can be romantic at outside”, that is why there are an idiom say “Er oyde birning, sirtta mingning” which means “ husband belongs to one in home and belongs to thousand at outside”. That makes males subconsciously think it is “moral” for them to commit adultery or divorce their loyal spouse in sake of “passion”. After I traveled in different places I see it is not unique characteristic of Uyghur society, it is sad to see there are “orphans of alive” all over the world.

uyghur old couple
Old Uyghur couple

Loyalty is the tool to distinguish the love and passion. When passion comes at the first time it feels more like love. It excites you and motivates you. After you get familiar it fades and dismiss. But true love is like grape, it is sweet as a fruit, and it becomes delicious after became wine, it to age it thicker, it is great giver of happiness and well being and delight. It is the sturdy rock and on this rock lovers build their family…

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